Dear virtual friends,
I have some news to share. A few weeks ago, I moved out of my house. Thomas and I are separating and hoping that time and space can provide us clarity if we want to continue our marriage.
This change comes as part of a much larger life shift for me. A few years ago, around when Birch graduated from toddler to big boy, I started to ask myself “is this it?” My life felt stagnant. I told myself it was probably just a phase, a funk, something that I’d move past. As I know you have noticed, I started doing more social activities that brought me joy – going to theater shows, planning theme parties, playing board games and (losing at) trivia. I found a group of friends who enjoy these kinds of activities. I was like a moth to the light and started to feel alive again.
Over time, I began to deeply examine the life I had built. I started going to therapy and processing every layer of my life. I realized I had outgrown the version of me I was at age 34 when I met Thomas. In many ways, I feel like I am going through a rebirth to the identity that I held back in my teens. Layers of “grown up” ideas are being shed.
How Did We Get Here?
The short answer is quite boring: there was nothing dramatic that happened. We slowly drifted apart as people do. And once the connection was gone, it started to feel impossible to bring it back. This illuminated how different we both are in personality, in interests, in how we show love. As Taylor says “We learned the right steps to different dances.”
I married a great man. As a person, he’s a hardworking, loving, loyal, wonderful human. He’s a great dad. We’ve been great life partners for almost a decade. But my intuition has led me to realize we aren’t destined to be romantic partners. Our life and relationship looked “good” in many ways, which made my wanting to leave the hardest and most painful decision of my life.
You can love someone deeply and still know you are ready to go. You still love them and not want to hurt them. But deep down you know something feels off.
The hardest relationships to navigate aren’t the toxic ones, they’re the almost ones. The kind-to-you, good-on-paper connections that still leave a part of you restless, aching for something unnamed. There’s no escaping pain here. The choice is never between pain and no pain, it’s between the pain that depletes you and the pain that grows you into the person you’re becoming. (@bayavoce)
So yes, this year was the hardest year of my life as I debated what to do. This article and its matching podcast has some really insightful comments about the patriarchy, why women are filled with guilt and shame for leaving, and how to reframe that mindset. There was no easy choice. It felt like a lose-lose for a long time. Thinking about the kids kept me paralyzed. And moving out Thanksgiving week was truly awful. But here I am on the other side, over the rainbow, feeling more settled and at peace. I know Thomas is too.
What’s next?
I am working to rebuild my identity, my purpose, my authenticity from the inside out. I am seeking simplicity and minimalism along with a richness of culture and community. And I hope it leads to the most aligned, expansive chapter of my life. It’s going to be 2026 – how could it not be : )
This is what many women are now waking up to in today’s world. More women than ever before in the history of recorded humanity are experiencing what it feels like to move through the world with autonomy, to achieve in their personal careers and passions, and to feel the power and desire to create and succeed; to want MORE. And surprise surprise, just like men have for centuries, they enjoy it too. – Britta Jo
I’ve listened to this song 1,000 times this year.
FAQs
Since I know you have questions, here are some my friends have asked me!
Where are you living now?
I’m renting a townhouse in a lovely community. I really love its vibe, and I’ll share more details and pics soon for all the home folks. Initially I had wanted to trade places with Thomas to keep the kids in their home, but he didn’t want that and he also didn’t want to move, so that left me with plan C. I had to start over building a home because I didn’t want to leave our house feeling empty, so I bought a decent amount of modest furniture (please no more allen wrenches!) and set up the basics for me and the boys when they are with me.
Weren’t you sad to leave your house?
Yes, of course. I love that house and lived there for 11 years. Trust me there were times when I thought “I can’t leave my touch faucet so I will just stay.” But over time I realized a house is really just a large thing, and things don’t bring happiness. Plus, I had started to feel like the house was too big and too expensive – it stressed me out. (We spent $2500 on TREE TRIMMING last fall – talk about an annoying expense!) We’re not sure if or when we will sell it or if Thomas will stay.
Is there a chance of reconciliation?
My theme of this year is “you never know what will happen in the future.” We are both working on ourselves, and we plan to be in communication about how that’s going.
How are the kids doing?
They both took the news well when we told them and age appropriately. And if they start to struggle, we will get them help. We’ll be splitting time with Birch 50/50 (matching Mazen’s schedule so the brothers can be together) and my goal is quality over quantity. With time to recharge, I want to be a very focused mom on the days we’re together. Thomas will still spend time with Mazen, too.
I have been a thousand different women
I read this poem from Emory Hall’s book Made of Rivers recently and it struck a chord. We might have a fiber of soul that stays with us for a lifetime, but we are always evolving, always growing into different versions of ourselves. Those past women make who you are today. Think of them with forgiveness, compassion, and love rather than looking back in regret or guilt.
So many of you have followed me through these past 18 years, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for supporting me with your comments and notes <3
Kath
